Customer service is an important characteristic of any successful restaurant or food truck. By providing unmatched guest service, you can win over repeat business for years. But let’s be real. You’re bound to encounter some bad apples now and again. For times like these, it’s nice to be able to shrug it off and laugh.
So whether you’re just looking for a laugh or a dagger-like response for a sarcastic customer, we’ve organized more than 200 options right here.
- Funny customer service quotes
- Customer service one liners and responses
- Funny things to say to customers
- Hilarious customer service poems
- Customer service memes
Funny customer service quotes
“It never ceases to amaze me that companies spend millions to attract new customers (people they don’t know) and spend next to nothing to keep the ones they’ve got! Seems to me the budgets should be reversed!.” – Tom Peters, Speaker and Author
“I won’t complain. I just won’t come back.” – Brown & Williamson Tobacco Ad
“Customer: A person who indirectly pays for all your vacations, hobbies, and golf games and gives you the opportunity to better yourself.” – Unknown
“Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. Yes, and that is also true if you are a housewife, architect or engineer.” – Dale Carnegie
“Although your customers won’t love you if you give bad service, your competitors will.” – Kate Zabriskie, Founder Business Training Works
“Deep down, we believe that the problem put simply, is THEM. They, of course, believe WE are the problem.” – Unknown
“If anybody ever called our number, it would be picked up in less than two rings with a friendly voice answering, ‘CD Baby.’ From 7 am to 10 pm, there was always somebody to pick up a call in two rings. No voice mail system; no routing to different departments. We treated our customers like our best friends. You don’t route your best friend’s call to an automated system!” – Derek Sivers
Related Reading: 101 All-Time Greatest Fast Food Slogans and Ideas List
“Customers long to interact with — even relate to — employees who act like there is still a light on inside.” – Chip Bell
“Customers perceive service in their own unique, idiosyncratic, emotional, irrational, end-of-the-day, and totally human terms. Perception is all there is!” – Tom Peters
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching.” – Dave Kerpen
“A satisfied customer — we should have him stuffed!” – Basil Fawlty
“The only thing worse than training employees and losing them is not training them and keeping them.” – Zig Ziglar, Author
“A shoe without sex appeal is like a tree without leaves. Service without emotion is like a shoe without sex appeal.” – Unknown
“Customers are like teeth. Ignore them and they’ll go away.” – Jerry Flanagan
“You know your business model is broken when you’re suing your customers.” – Paul Graham
“All businesses need to be young forever. If your customer base ages with you, you’re Woolworth’s.” – Jeff Bezos
“The first step in exceeding your customer’s expectations is to know those expectations.” – Roy H. Williams
“Sales without Customer Service is like stuffing money into a pocket full of holes.” – David Tooman
Related Reading: 100+ (Actually Memorable) Hand Washing Awareness Quotes and Slogans
“Thank you for calling customer service. If you’re calm and rational, press 1. If you’re a whiner, press 2. If you’re a hot head, press 3” – Randy Glasbergen
“The irony of good customer service is that over time it will bring in more new customers than promotions and price slashing ever did!” – Susan Ward
“Customer service is not a department, it’s everyone’s job.” – Ken Blanchard
“There’s no such thing as ‘hard sell’ and ‘soft sell.’ There’s only ‘smart sell’ and ‘stupid sell.” – Leo Burnett
“Your satisfaction is our top priority. So if you could try to act really satisfied, that would be a big help.” – Randy Glasbergen
“Swallowing your pride occasionally will never give you indigestion.” – Unknown
“On his first day at the office, he showed up with a rubber chicken, just to make sure he always thought funny.” – Ross Shafer
“There are a lot of funny people in my trade. So, I am acutely aware that if I don’t give my customers more than what they expect, in my case laughs, they won’t come back. And brother, I need them to come back. I need them to tell their friends and family I am funny. These laughers are my customer base. And I want them to be happy.” – Ross Shafer
“Acknowledging the obvious is known in comedy as calling the room. It means vocalizing exactly what’s going on in.” – David Nihill
“Do you have an hour of funny Customer Service stories? or Could you make a Human Resource training film teaching people to get along better. Each time, I blurted out. Yes! Truthfully, I only had a vague notion of how to pull these things off, at the time.” – Ross Shafer
“Right or wrong, the customer is always right.” – Marshall Field
“Who picked, ‘I can’t get no satisfaction to be our on-hold music?” – Randy Glasbergen
I used to be a sympathetic human being until I started working at a call center.” – Unknown
“Thank you for calling technical support. This call may be monitored so we can play it back at company parties for laughs.” – Randy Glasbergen
“In the world of Internet Customer Service, it’s important to remember your competitor is only one mouse click away.” – Doug Warner
“The best customer service is if the customer doesn’t need to call you, doesn’t need to talk to you. It just works.” – Jeff Bezos
“Customer service should not be a department. It should be the entire company.” – Tony Hsieh
“Being on par in terms of price and quality only gets you into the game. Service wins the game.” – Tony Alessandra
“A lot of people have fancy things to say about customer service, but it’s just a day-in, day-out, ongoing, never-ending, persevering, compassionate kind of activity.” – Christopher McCormick
“If you’re not serving the customer, your job is to be serving someone who is.” – Jan Carlzon
“Rule 1: The customer is always right. Rule 2: If the customer is ever wrong, re-read Rule 1.” – Stew Leonard
Customer Service One-Liners and Responses
“Maybe if I spin around in my chair fast enough this cord will choke me to death.”
“Good morning… It’s Monday.
Time to answer phone calls, and ask ourselves.
How do these people exist in life?”
I don’t care if there’s a global pandemic going on, I was on hold for 30 MINUTES!”
“The voices in my head are idiots.”
“I just want to win the lottery so I don’t have to say, ‘Thank you for calling anymore.”
“We tried offering our customers good service. But that just led to more and more customers, each wanting good service. Well hey, what about OUR needs?”
We can’t fix stupid. But at least you can still blame it on our product.
Giving you precisely correct and totally useless information when you need it my most.
Never give up faith in the American service industry. Because even a broken watch is right twice a day.
When someone tells me to ‘take my time’ when I put them on hold, I feel obligated to honor that request.
My job consists of convincing the idiots they are idiots without calling them an idiot.
Customer: Thanks for the dinner @TacoBell
Taco Bell: You’re welcome, @customer. What did you get?
Customer: @TacoBell, I got diarrhea, but it was worth it.
Customer: Hi @Tesco I’ve got a serious problem with one of your products I’ve recently purchased.
Tesco: Hi @customer, could you please elaborate on this?
Customer: @Tesco, Yes why on earth has your shampoo turn my dog pink?
Customer: @XboxSupport I need help.
Xbox Support: @Customer, Sure thing! What’s going on tonight that we can help with?
Customer: Why did my wife leave me? @XboxSupport
Related Reading: 101 Famously Funny Donut Shop Slogans and Taglines
Amtrak California: “Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Customer: @Amtrak_CA, With all due respect, this is terrible advice for trains.
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, It’s Just Bread @dominos
Domino’s Pizza: @customer We’re sorry to hear about this! Please let our friends at @dominos_uk know of this so they can help.
Customer: Immediate turn off if a girl’s mobile network is tesco mobile.
Tesco: @customer Are you really in a position to be turning girls away?
Customer: What I wouldn’t give for @sega to make a new Jet Grind game.
Sega: What I wouldn’t give to have not read your user name.
Customer: Dear Sainsbury. The chicken in my sandwich tastes like it was beaten to death by Hulk Hogan. Was it?
Sainsbury’s News: @customer really sorry it wasn’t up to scratch. We will replace Mr. Hogan with Ultimate Warrior on our production line immediately.
Customer: Hey @o2 – please get your SMS working! I sent this girl 246 texts last night asking her out and none of her replies have come through yet…
O2 in the UK: @customer, Hi, that’s a lot of texts! Maybe next time you should try sending 1 text to 246 girls…
“Before we start the service call, I should inform you I have sent 16 other tech support unit agents screaming into the night.”
“Working at this call center brings joy to my day, said absolutely no one ever.’
“No really, I love taking time out of my busy schedule to explain something that should be common knowledge to a person in your position who gets paid more than me.”
“Why, yes! I do have time to listen to you complain about rules I didn’t make!”
‘The hardest part of my job is being nice to stupid people.”
“Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
Customer: “Do you have any in the back?”
Customer: “Are you sure?”
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”… – A. P.
Customer: Hello, why does my sandwich have a bacon on it?
Agent: Ma’am, you ordered a BLT.
Customer: What?! I thought the B stood for Bread.
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Designer: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. – Paul Neelon
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
“I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” • “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” “So … you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.” The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. – G. C.
Customer: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white. – Paul Silverman
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Sales Man: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily? Customer: Collard greens. – Jessica Smith
At a secondhand movie exchange…
Me: Do you have the DVD of Sharknado?
Clerk: Is that a documentary? – Lynette Combs
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.” – Patricia Thompson
When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?”
Her answer: “What’s the difference?” – Ruth Anne Pluckhorn
The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said.
“I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.” – J. M.
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
Me: “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” I offered.
Clerk: Started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …” – Charity McTarsney
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor. – Julius Sharpe
Funny Things to Say to Customers
“Is it me or is it just you?”
“Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
“Sir, type the following numbers… No, there are no capital numbers.”
“I can EXPLAIN it to you, but I can’t UNDERSTAND it for you!”
“Hello, this is _____ in Customer Service. How may I be the brunt of your life’s failures & shortcomings today?
“I can help with the product, but I don’t know how to open the packaging.”
“I try to provide something customer service, but no, I’m not going to sing you to sleep at night.”
“You’ve reached the wedding department. Let me transfer you to a place called Nowhere.”
“If you’re not absolutely thrilled and delighted with your purchase, maybe you’re expecting too much from a cheap TV vegetable slicer.”
“Weren’t you paying attention? I already explained this to the last 15 callers!”
“Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed. For customer service, go fly a kite. For technical support, whistle in the winter until the cows come home. For repair service, wait for you-know-what to freeze over…”
“More than anything else, we want our customers to be happy. Think about baby kittens. Think about the best kiss you ever had. Think about butterflies frolicking in the flowers. Are you happy yet?”
“No, I’m not angry at you sir. I’m angry at the random act of fate that directed your call to my extension.”
“To help us provide with the best possible customer service. Press 1 if you’re an Aries, Press 2 if you’re a leo, press 3 if your Sagittarius.”
“Have a nice day… somewhere else!”
“Shhh, that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.”
“Hold the line, while I try to find someone who cares.”
“Before you tell me what you think, first you should know I don’t care.”
“Where’s your off button?”
“Thank you for calling. Now get off my line so I can tell my co-workers what a moron you are.”
“I work in customer service, so by all means,. please use me as a verbal punching bag. It makes me much more likely to do what you want when you scream your request at me.”
“Sorry that doing my best displeases you. Do tell me how I can stretch myself further to meet your impossibly high standards.”
“I’m quiet right now because what I really want to say would likely incite violence, and I really need my job right now.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, I was trying to solve the first thing you said. Please keep telling me additional problems and extraneous unrelated personal feelings.”
“I understand your upset, sir please know your call is very annoying to us”
“Let me connect you to the I don’t give a s#*t department…
If you hear a dial tone, you found it.”
“Sorry for the long pauses ma’am, I just keep putting you on mute so my co-workers and I can make fun of you.”
“Warning, due to a shortage of Robots, some of our staff are Human and may act unpredictably when abused.”
“Well yes, expressing how superior your occupation is to mine will indeed change the policies of a multi-billion dollar corporation.”
“I may look calm, but in my head I’ve punched you on the face 5 times.”
“Well, you know…9/11? (Because I mean, what can they say to that?)”
“Hi. You should change your name to “The Reason Birth Control Was Invented.”
“Well, fortunately I have people like you to remind me how sad and vitamin D deficient my life is. Thanks for doing your part.
“You were the kid who tried to trade his tuna sandwich for pudding cups in elementary school weren’t you?”
“Here’s an idea: Go there and shop. You smell like disappointment and I can’t handle that right now.”
Hilarious Customer Service Poems
There is a smile plastered on my face,
though his words sting like mace.
He sputters and shouts on the phone.
As I think, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m wondering if this guy is stable
I guess he really cares about his cable
Now his threats are making me nervous.
Don’t you just love customer service? (Unknown)
The Customer is Always Right
Trying my best to do a job
And follow rules set in place
And peoples attitude
And entitled egos im supposed to just take
“The Customer Is Always Right”
To give service with a smile
Even to the one screaming profanities
To reward bad behaviour
And give in to such insanity
“The Customer Is Always Right”
To be nice to the creeps
That come in every week
I already told you
The answer is no!
So please leave me alone
“The Customer is Always Right”
What happened to honor?
Dignity and Respect?
I’m horrified at the lack thereof
I know I’m not the only one.
By Ann M. Johnson
Customer service you say
I look at things a different way
Especially after spending half my day
Trying to get things resolved
Testing my patience and nerves
Been on hold for God only knows how long
Trying to stay strong
Please hold your call is important you first said that 5 hours ago
I hate being bounced around to different departments and then put on hold again
I am not a bouncy ball
I am wondering if I could talk to a guy named Paul instead of people who’s names I gave up trying to pronounce 2 hours ago
You say to make a selection, but there is not a valid choice listed
If I press sales, will I get a person to talk to then?
If they think they can sell me something my call might be important then, especially if they get a commission
If I have to take much more of this, do I have permission to Scream
I feel like I’m stuck in a bad dream
My patience is getting thinner and my hair too
I pulled some out while I bit my tongue
I did not want to say things I might later regret
I want to say one thing if I may speak my mind
I gave your customer service a new name
It is Customer Disservice.
By Shane Carmichael
Today at work
I was having a really weird day
One of those… “I really wish I wasn’t here but instead with you, sleeping” day
I had this really rude customer come up to the service desk
And after being there for 6 hours, you can imagine how tired I was already
It isn’t my fault that you are not only illiterate but also a waste of my valuable minimum wage time
I put my head in my hands for a brief moment
And this smell. This glorious, indescribably, amazing, memory purging, beautiful smell came to me
This smell made me think of three things.
My new salute
The taste that my lips carried throughout the night
And the ruby of your cheeks that matched the softest and most irresistible lips mine have ever touched
It must’ve been at least a five minute daydream
That poor customer must’ve been so confused
But ****, it was completely worth it.
Customer Disservice Hotline
By Misadventures of crow
***** you for calling our customer disservice hotline.
Calls will be ordered in any manner we please.
By proceeding you waive all rights to human kindness.
We apologize for any convenience,
and thank you for your impatience.
The Nasty Customer
By Louise Leger
The entitled ones:
Snotty, stuck up, rude
Nasty, spoiled prudes
Your misery, their fun
Loosen up your buns, entitled ones
‘Cause I am in no mood
To harbor your attitude
And snooty snippy sayings sung
The desk between us that which divides
Does not right you to be snide
Entitled ones need not apply
Entitled are entitled nigh
The ones who earn entitlement
Are the ones who give respect
Possessors of this enlightenment
Such respect is what they’ll get
Treat your servers as you will with such level of pomposity
But understand that I abide by way of reciprocity.
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Customers are Lazy
And so are You
Life in a call centre oh what does it mean?
It’s all open space with no walls in between
Open door policy and suggestions boxes
Don’t you just love when you get unexpected visits from the bosses
Life in a call centre oh what does it mean?
Very busy telephone lines, little breaks in between
Lots of talking and chatting, lots of help and advice
Oh life in a call centre isn’t it nice.
Working in a call centre, you take lots of calls.
Some are good, some break your balls!
Some callers are polite,
and some try with all their might,
but we know the customer isn’t always right!
But if we stay calm,
callers will come to no harm
and be happy if we put on the charm!
And though they may get their own way
at the end of the call, remember to say
Thank you for calling, have a nice day!
By Lindsay Cameron
There was a call centre agent from Slough
Who was really a bit of a cow,
When customers called HER
She’d mutter and slur
And they’d end up having a row
A much better agent from Slough
Took care of her customers, and how
She said, “When you call me,
Just you wait and see
You’ll hang up and shout out ‘oh WOW’
So if you’re an agent from Slough
Or anywhere else I’d vow
Don’t pause or be nervous,
Just give top class service.
At awards night, you’ll take the bow!!
By David Brown
There was a call centre agent from So’ton
Who always took calls with his coat on
His reason for this
Was secret because
Cold calling was banned at his station
By Gary Thorn
There was a Call Centre Agent from Stoke
Whose telephone persona was a bloke
She’d speak very slow
And exceedingly low
Trying her best not to choke
By Anita M
There was a call centre agent from Surrey
Whose Team Leader kept telling him to hurry
‘There are calls in the queue…
You know what to do…
When you’re done we can go for a curry!”
By Brad Parker
There was a call center agent from Dublin
whose supervisor found her behavior troublin’.
When the phone would ring,
she’d get up and sing.
And from her accent you’d swear she’s from Brooklyn.
By Mike Gospe
There was a call centre agent from nam
Who was constantly just selling spam
With no meat on his plate
He was tempted to fate
Just broccoli, potatoes no ham.
By David Wheeler
There was a call center agent from Eiling
Who always spoke loudly with great feeling
Other agents complained
But management abstained
Because his numbers went right through the ceiling.
By John Barth
Laugh out Loud Customer Service Memes